Many claim that love is a precondition to marriage; the Torah teaches that just the opposite is true. A successful marriage leads to love.

Some marriages are smooth from the beginning. Others, however, run into difficulties. We tend to enter marriage with illusions that dissipate as day-to-day life takes over. Within a short time, our spouse may no longer resemble the perfect person we thought he or she was. She may start caring less about her appearance. He may not seem as deserving of admiration as he once did. She may not value our opinions, contending that she knows better. His preferences in music and furnishings may bother us. Consequently, the attraction we felt so strongly before marriage loses its magic. We start to become angry. We wonder how we failed to see such glaring defects in our spouse’s personality beforehand. Worst of all, marriage is supposed to cure loneliness, but we now feel more alone than ever, longing to be single again in the company of old friends, when life was simpler and less demanding.

And then the frightening question bursts forth in our minds: Did we make a terrible mistake? Feeling trapped and upset that our spouse hid his or her true character from us, we store up our bitterness like a box of explosives.

Finally the day comes when it all ignites. Our spouse is shocked, and shock gives way to anger. Attacks and counterattacks accelerate, and a vicious circle is set into motion that can bring tragic consequences. In such an environment, love doesn’t stand a chance.

But there’s different way of approaching marriage—one that brings not pain and sorrow, but blessing.

Love doesn’t come merely by virtue of marrying, or even in the early stages of marriage. When we are grateful for the good our spouse constantly bestows upon us, and realize that he or she has truly admirable qualities, and sense that he or she is totally devoted to us, then love gathers strength and grows. When we work together to achieve goals, to give to each other, to sacrifice for each other, and to build a life (and hopefully a family) together, we create love.

Love, then, develops over time. To get there, the couple must resolve to treat each other lovingly, to care for each other’s happiness, to meet the wife’s material and spiritual needs, and to give her proper respect. A husband needs warmth and understanding.

The Sages offer a single dictum summing up the husband’s obligations to his wife: “Love her as yourself, and honor her more than yourself.” This is the first step in building the emotional bond that leads to marital happiness, for fulfilling these obligations assures our spouse that he or she is indeed important and beloved.

Love, then, isn’t a precondition to marriage, but the result of it. What is needed at the start is an honest commitment to fulfill each other’s needs, and in so doing, to create an ever growing and deepening love.