In contrast to the ideal parent and leader we just met above, we also find parents who rule the roost and their chicks as strict dictators, keeping an iron grasp on the reins. No compromise here. Such parents demand maximum obedience with no exceptions. There is no room or time for the child to stretch out, relax, and unwind. As a result, the children are tense, nervous, and impatient, phenomena which cause the parents further irritation and tension on their part.

Parents may ask: “Isn't it my responsibility to correct the child's faults and to see that he keeps the rules? I'm just doing my job." Of course, the answer is yes, it is the parents' responsibility, but only if and when they can do it in such a way that the child accepts their suggestions for improvement and willingly puts them into practice.

To achieve this degree of rapport, these parents must make sure that they compliment their children and encourage them when they are doing the right thing. What is more, the compliments and admiration must far outweigh the criticism, both in quantity and quality. The main focus must always be on re-enforcing what the child does right, and not on correcting or preventing what he does wrong.

That is, there must be more positive comments and observations than critical comments. Also, the intensity of our emotion when we praise the child must be greater than the feeling in our voice when we point out the child's mistake. If we would like to see our negative criticism prove effective; if it is important to us that our words build up our children, rather than destroying their self-confidence and undermining their desire to please us. Our praise and encouragement must be many times more than our words of criticism.

When calculating the positive-negative ratio, it is important to take into account not only how many comments we make each day, but also the emotional impact of our words. If we say "That's nice" in praise of a good deed with less emotion, attention, and sincerity than our shrieks of horror when the cocoa is spilled, it is time to take a few steps back and re-evaluate. Perhaps we need to change our attitude or the techniques we are using.

Respect! This is the key to success. We will achieve true education only by relating to our children and pupils with sincere respect for them as individuals. As our Sages advise us: "Let the prestige of your pupil be as precious to you as your own" (Chapters of the Fathers 4:12).

The child should not be regarded as a lump of inert, unfeeling clay placed in our hands to mold according to our mood of the moment. Successful education depends on the willing co-operation of the educated with the educator. A student or child who obeys instructions only out of fear is not being educated; he is being disciplined and controlled. The moment the source of his fear is removed from the picture, there is no reason for him to comply with the orders issued to him. It is only when the educator and educated work willingly, hand in hand, that the results will be education rather than coercion.

It is the Sage's principle of "Let the prestige of your pupil be as precious to you as your own" which forms the bond between parent and child, teacher and pupil. This respect is the by-product of the parent's attitude: "My son and I are working together to build a mature adult. In our partnership, we are equal partners, so he is deserving of my respect. "On the one hand, he receives information and guidance from me; on the other hand, he will not make any progress – and neither will I –without his co-operation. Consequently, I must trust that he will do his best to accomplish our mutual goal.

"This situation obliges me to respect him as an equal partner in our mutual project, since we are both involved in the educational project we share. I must always say: 'We...' and not 'I'; likewise, I must explain what we hope to accomplish, and I must take his opinions, preferences and dislikes into account, and show him respect as an individual."

There may be educators who fear that such an attitude will lower their esteem in the eyes of their pupils, but just the opposite is the case. Our Sages sum it up in the saying: "Who is respected? He who shows respect to others" (Chapters of the Fathers 4:1). Parents who show respect for their children will find that their offspring respect them and show them deference. Similarly, the ideal parent relates to his children with respect and tries to put himself in his shoes so that he will understand his feelings and moods. He does not force their opinion on him from above, but comes down to his level and explains to him on his level, in words he can understand, why their requests are reasonable and intended for his own good. He appeals to the child's conscience, so that the child builds up complete trust in them. Henceforth, this child will always feel whatever his parents request of him is intended for his own good, even when he himself does not understand the reasoning behind their instructions.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch writes that the ideal home is to be built of the same materials, symbolically, as those used to construct the Tabernacle in the wilderness, namely, wood and gold. Wood symbolizes renewal, growth and blossom. The living branch is flexible, while the trunk and roots provide stability, strength and reliability. All these qualities are required in order to erect the Tabernacle which served to unite the entire nation within its walls.

So, too, must the family structure be a combination of flexibility, strength, and stability upon which its members can rely. It must provide for renewal and blossom, as children grow, flower and mature. At the same time, it must furnish a solid, immutable base of principles, symbolized by gold, in the realm of ethical values, and what is permitted, and what is not. The home which provides a balanced combination of both "wood" and "gold" will indeed be a miniature Tabernacle blessed from Above.