Today's society has adopted a policy of “Try Before You Buy.” They tell themselves that the more you try out the various experiences life has to offer, the wiser and more open-minded you will be, and the better your life. While this may be true in many areas of life, regarding marriage, just the opposite is true. The advantage lies with those who have refrained from pre-marital physical intimacy. Society looks upon them as naïve or narrow-minded, but the truth is that they definitely gain by their stance. Let us explain.

It is true that, at least in this area, naivety and popularity contradict each other. With AIDS reaching epidemic levels in many countries, and the plague of cocaine spreading more and more, there are signs of a new trend toward a more conservative approach to life. Nonetheless, youth is always drawn to the unknown. The craving for new adventure and the mystery of yet unexplored territory tempt the young and the restless to go against their better judgment.

The case against the “Try Before You By” method is strongest of all with regard to marital relations. First of all, the individual loses the opportunity to share a unique experience with one's new spouse. To achieve a successful marriage, it is essential to build a strong bond between husband and wife. The sharing of the first taste of this aspect of married life together is one of the best tools available to the young couple in building a strong foundation for their new home. Any previous involvement the woman recalls will present a stumbling block to forming a lasting impression of her new husband as her unique partner in life, devoted solely to her and her needs. Every woman hopes to find in her marriage partner a man whose foremost concern is caring for his wife and protecting her from all harm. By failing to reserve her first experience of intimacy for her future spouse, she has foregone a valuable building block with which to establish her future marital bliss.

Another disadvantage which must be confronted is the ever-present specter of comparisons, for better or for worse. Every experience in the past opens the door to innumerable comparisons; such is the nature of man. For both the wife and the husband, these memories are detrimental to forming a bond between them. It is most unlikely that the husband will come out with superior marks in every aspect of her comparison to her experiences in the past. Apart from the loss of the special adventure involved in sharing a first experience together, most individuals do not enjoy having previous experiences called to mind, by association, once they marry and settle down to build their future with their life-partner. These memories usually do not first fade into the past. Like a pesky fly, they have a tendency to come to mind just when least desired.

When considering the question of premarital intimacy, many people find themselves in a conflict between their intellect and their emotions. Nearly all who weigh the arguments for and against will agree that rational thinking points to restraint. When it comes to applying this logic to real life, however, many are overcome with fear of the unknown. How can they plunge into a situation with a blindfold on their eyes? 

Most of those who object to the Torah approach to marriage do so out of fear of the unknown, not as a result of intellectual convictions to the contrary after weighing the matter logically. Let us consider whether it is truly necessary to have a trial period of intimacy before committing oneself to sharing his or her life with the prospective mate. This “need” is the product of social pressure. 

In the 1950's, the average young lady from a good background did not concern herself with this question. Similarly, a young man from a good home. Couples were willing to become engaged without concerning themselves with a premarital trial period to test their “compatibility.” 
Apparently, in those days, they had enough faith in each other to commit themselves to marriage without actually living together beforehand.

The reason that nowadays a pretrial period is considered almost mandatory is deeper than the mere reluctance to forgo an opportunity when it presents itself. The fact is that many people are the victims of this approach, despite the fact that it is neither natural nor healthy. This attitude reflects a deep misunderstanding of human nature. This shortcoming has brought much travail and suffering in its wake. The majority of those who subscribe to it do not find happiness as a result.

Modern man errs in regarding the body and the mind which controls it as two separate entities. This unfortunate misconception is more evident in the world of medicine. Today's doctor tends to care for the body with little or no consideration for what is happening to the heart and soul. Modern medicine fails to realize how extensively one's mood and state of mind affect his physical well-being.

Not so the Torah; Judaism views mind and body as two aspects of one entity, which optimally work in concert. The task of the soul is to define man's identity; the task of the body is to apply this definition in actual practice. Viewing man holistically, we can draw a basic conclusion about human sexuality. Physical intimacy which is devoid of emotional attachment does not constitute an authentic expression of one's true inner self.

Many people today insist on distinguishing between body and soul. They relate to each one independently of the other. This departmentalization allows us to stuff any uncomfortable emotions into a cupboard and slam the door closed. (“I don't feel anything special toward him.”)

Once a person severs his intellect from his feelings, he is free to roam the streets as a purely physical being, without realizing that he has left his true self, his feelings, on the shelf back home. 

The truth of the matter is that premarital intimacy is not even relevant to the success of a marriage. In many cases, it is detrimental. What is important is a penetrating knowledge of the person's character, his personality traits, his nature and his feelings. This is important because in essence, physical intimacy is a part of the spirit that sets it into action. It is this spirit with which a prospective spouse must be familiar.

Western society is witnessing an interesting change. There is a quiet, but significant difference in what is nowadays considered “free” and “liberated.” In the seventies and the eighties, “free” was taken to imply that there was no impediment to my doing whatever I wish, with no feeling of guilt or inhibitions. People deluded themselves into thinking that physical intimacy, devoid of love, of exclusiveness, and of any responsibility to one's partner, were the key to self-knowledge, self-expression, development and growth. Among the tragic repercussions of this grave error was the unprecedented rise of the divorce rate. Hand in hand with this social tragedy, we find an overwhelming dulling of social sensitivity.

True, our traditions are “ancient”, but that is precisely the source of their strength. Trends and fads come and go, cultures spring up and wither, but the basic components of man's psyche remain just the same as they were three thousand years ago. They will never change. 

Human beings will always love others, and will always feel the need to be loved. They will feel the need to form a spiritual and physical bond with a spouse, a bond that will last a lifetime. Man will always seek a marriage tie that is deep, and he will strive to actualize this bond and bring it to perfection. On the other hand, there will also persist the distressing tendency to deceive ourselves and to succumb to social pressures, a tendency which can lead one to confusion as to what our main goals in life really are. 

In His infinite loving kindness for man, the Creator bestowed upon Mankind a portion of His wisdom, the Torah, to guide us in finding our way in life. The insights into human nature and interactions gained through a knowledge of Torah assure us that just as Man's problems have been with him for thousands of years, so, too, have the solutions been there since days of yore.