When a young couple set out to consolidate the spiritual bond between them, they face many obstacles. As a result of their new status in life, they suddenly find themselves facing many new responsibilities. Later on, with the arrival of each additional child, the number of jobs to be done multiplies. The degree of difficulty in coordinating all the daily tasks seems to increase exponentially. Not only are time and energy in short supply; there often doesn't seem to be enough money, either. Children seem to command our attention around the clock. There is never enough time to look after the essentials. How can the young parents possibly find a few minutes each day to devote to themselves and the tie between them?

A couple who fail to invest at least a few minutes each day in staying in touch with each other emotionally will pay a high price. Both husband and wife run the risk of feeling that the only tie between them is the need to coordinate the mechanics of running the same household and caring for the same children. The effects of this vacuum can be devastating. They soon feel little satisfaction with their tasks of running their mutual home. Now they are not sharing a joint spiritual building project, but merely running from here to there to meet the immediate needs of their household. The feeling is somewhat akin to that of an indentured servant working himself to the bone in the hotel which happens to house him.

Couples experience this unpleasant sense of isolation most strongly during the first period after the wedding, In some cases it persists throughout the marriage, even though the couple may not be aware of the source of the emotional unrest that gnaws away at them. This feeling of loneliness often comes just when the new couple is also facing the challenge of adapting to their new status as husband and wife. In addition, they are not yet accustomed to the new responsibilities as a married couple. It is not unusual for people to report that this was the most difficult stage of their marriage. Many add that one significant factor in their difficulties was the fact that each spouse attempted to change the habits of the other. It took some time to realize that the challenge before them was not to mold the character of his or her mate, but to learn to live with it, or around it.

There is another factor which stands in the way of building up a spiritual bond, namely, if the husband or wife is continually dissatisfied. Perhaps the husband is not happy at his workplace, or there is a seemingly surmountable problem with one of the children. The shadow of dissatisfaction casts its pall over other areas of the couple's mutual life as well, so that relatively minor issues take on far greater significance.

In other cases, a negative character trait may prove to be the cause of irritation and dissatisfaction. The husband or wife may resent that they are not better off financially, or wish that they had a larger apartment or could live in a different location. Even if their present domicile is a pleasant, airy one-bedroom apartment which would delight another couple, the wife may be disappointed not to have a guest room as well. As a result, she fails to appreciate even the strong points of her present living quarters. The frown which rests continuously on her brow clouds the relationship with her husband, and the ties between the two suffer as a result. The other spouse feels rejected, and the cycle continues to maintain itself until some outside factor intervenes.

The problem may lie with the fact that one of them is a perfectionist. He may demand of himself and those around him that everything be done exactly the right way. Since he is always aiming for no less than one hundred percent perfection, the disappointments are many, and the dissatisfaction on-going. When the perfectionist achieves only ninety-eight percent of the goal he has set for himself, he is upset. His distress affects not only himself, but also those around him, including his spouse. Perhaps the situation is reversed and it is the wife who is the perfectionist. In any case, the outcome will be the same. The disappointment at being a “failure” in one's own eyes will hang over the couple's relationship, even when they are ninety-nine percent successful.

When something disturbs the husband or wife, it is recommended that he or she discuss the matter with the other spouse. It is important for the other partner to listen attentively so that he or she will have the information required to help find a solution. Both must be wary, however, not to go overboard. When one of the two persists in complaining again and again over an extended period of time, there is a risk of alienating the other partner. It is not productive if such conversations lead one of the couple to avoid talking things over with the other because such sessions tend to end up on an unpleasant tone.

Rabbi Moses Maimonides, of Xxth century Spain and North Africa, was hailed as an exceptional scholar, author, leader and court physician. One of his famous works sets forth guidelines for living a comprehensively Jewish life. Among the subjects he discusses is marriage. In one section, he advises the young groom regarding his responsibilities to his wife: “Do not be sad or quick to show anger.”(Source? Chapter 15, Section 19). We learn from his words that just being unhappy is enough to break the spirit of a young couple.

Another phenomenon which leads to isolation is the failure of either spouse to empathize with the feelings of his or her better half. Often a husband (or a wife) enthusiastically describes a recent experience, but the listener shows little interest or empathy. This throws cold water on their relationship. It is not pleasant to be rebuffed. Another time, the speaker will think twice before sharing an experience with the spouse, lest his words be once again received with such disinterest. Rather than building bridges of communication, it tears them down. The speaker says to himself: “My wife (husband) doesn't think along the same lines as I do. She (he) doesn't get excited about the same things as I do. She (he) doesn't even begin to understand anything I talk about beyond the topics that she is interested in.”

When a couple does not realize that the basic purpose of marriage is to nurture a bond which will unite them, the home they establish will not be an expression of unity and harmony. A power struggle will develop between the two. The tension between them is likely to transform their home into a boxing ring in which there is no winner, only pain and tragedy. All this can be avoided if they only realize that all husbands differ from their wives, and vice versa. Therein lies the basic challenge of marriage.

To avoid such disaster, the couple must develop an awareness of the fact that it is perfectly natural for them to differ from each other, even drastically. The task before them is to weld two very dissimilar entities into one harmonious whole which functions as a unit. An ongoing awareness of this long-term goal will cast a new light on their differences of opinion. The atmosphere of the home will be far more relaxed. Each spouse, and each child, will sense that his presence in the home is welcomed and enjoyed by all members of the family. Such an atmosphere unites the couple spiritually, so that their lives will focus on the positive elements which enhance their spiritual and emotional growth, both as individuals, and as a family unit.