When considering the topic of educating our children, it is essential to distinguish between shaping a child's character and training him to respond to a given situation with a predefined behavior. Let's give an example. It's not difficult to train a young child to rise to his feet every time his parent enters the room. If we reward him with a tasty treat each time he complies, he'll soon get the message that it's worth his while to stand up when father comes through the door.

Have we taught him something? Yes, we've taught him to stand up when a parent first enters the room. Have we molded his character, and instilled a respect for elders in his heart? Not at all. At the most, we've taught him that candies or chips are something which people think it's worth working for. Also, we have demonstrated to him one way he can get these rewards for himself.

This is not molding character, but drilling him how to react whenever he comes up against any specific situation. It is not much different from drilling a newly-enlisted private in the armed forces to stand up straight and salute when called to attention, or to march in time with the others when on parade. The private may be a degenerate criminal, for all the drill sergeant knows or cares; his only concern is that the fellow turn left and not right when he hears the order "left face!" Similarly, it is immaterial to the sergeant if the private is selfish, arrogant or dishonest. He is charged with drilling him in parade ground maneuvers, not noble traits of character.

A young child is also "drilled" in his infancy. Let's say that the parent gives him a piece of candy and asks that he recite a short blessing over it before he pops it into his mouth. The parents' long-term goal is, at least in part, that he grow up to be the type of person who is aware of the kindnesses and favors others do for him, and expresses his gratitude to his benefactors. This is a noble trait of character, but hardly one which we expect to find in a two-year-old. What we can do to start him on his way is to train him to express gratitude to his greatest benefactor of all, his Creator.

True, at age two, the child has precious little concept of "Creator" or "gratitude." Nonetheless, we train him to say thank-you, mechanically, in hopes that when he matures somewhat, it will be that much easier for him to develop true, inner appreciation for the good things in life Heaven sends his way.

As a first step, his parents may stroke him, hug him, and describe to him the importance of the blessing he is about to recite. Gradually, the child learns that the blessing is more than a button which one pushes when he'd like a piece of candy. The parents' goal is to eventually arrive at the stage where the child derives inner satisfaction from reciting the blessing because he enjoys doing what is morally correct. The process is a gradual one, involving many steps, but not impossible to achieve. In fact, Jews have been using the method successfully for thousands of years.

A word of caution, however. The parent must take care not to become a drill sergeant who controls his men's behavior with only reward or punishment. "No hugs and loving strokes accompany the orders!" the drill sergeant barks out. Why? Because our sergeant is concerned only with what the private's arms and legs are doing, not with what happens in his heart. He is not trying to instill values, which will continue to guide the private's behavior even when there is no one issuing orders to "about face!" It is of no consequence if Private Smith never "about faces" again after his discharge from the Service. It is of utmost concern to the parent that his child continues to experience a feeling of gratitude and thankfulness to his benefactors long after they are no longer at his side to instruct him. Consequently, it is essential that parents combine "externals" and "internals" when dealing with the child. In this way, they train the heart, not only the body, so that the child will identify with the values they instilled in him even when he himself becomes a father and a grandfather.

What happens when a child is trained using only external prizes, or punishments for disobedience, devoid of parental warmth and encouragement? The child will develop a dependency on one form of external reward or the other. The form of reward required will most likely grow with the child; a teenager will not be likely to come home on time in order to gain a prize of twenty-five cents, but a four year old might do so. If we fail to internalize the reward for doing what is right, the child will remain dependent on rewards and not become an independent, mature adult. Even when he grows up, he will remain dependent upon the approval and reward of the society around him. If for some reason, they suddenly stop giving him the prizes of social prestige, the reward-oriented person will discontinue his praiseworthy behavior.  

As parents, it is our goal to help our children gradually internalize all the moral values which we hold dear. It is important that we realize that this is an ongoing process which takes many years. There are no shortcuts, any more than we can grow a bumper crop of wheat or corn within the space of two weeks.

It is true that two weeks will suffice in some cases if we seek only to train the child to the outward act of, say, rising to his feet every time his father enters the room. We can accomplish this by using external rewards suitable to the child's age level. The results of our training will be quite impressive, as we have trained the child that it pays him to be submissive and obedient. However, if not internalized, the desired behavior will persist only so long as we are able to provide an external reward which interests the child. With time, as the child grows, this will become more and more difficult. Even if we do succeed in finding ways to reward the older child, our accomplishment will be limited. The external reward method will not develop basic values such as patience, tolerance, or self-control. The child's focus remains on obtaining the reward or avoiding the punishment. The acts we train the child to perform will be important only to the degree to which they "buy" him the prize we offer for their performance. We will find that we have produced an adult of shallow character who lacks self-control and selfless concern for others.

Values must be internalized if they are to become principles which will stay with our offspring and guide them as adults for the rest of their lives. This is a process which takes years, not weeks or months. It is far easier to neglect a child's long-term education, and to concentrate on obtaining immediate results. But what happens, meanwhile, to our child? Will the prize/punishment method instill a sense of responsibility in our son or daughter? Will it cultivate his self-control? What will remain with him as an adult?

Parental patience is the keyword in education. It is a mistake to focus on immediate results and not to consider the long-term effects of our actions. We may manage to prevent sibling fighting and to keep the house tidy, and to maintain discipline among the children, but these are short-term accomplishments at the expense of what should be our true goal, education to moral values which last a lifetime. We may win the battle, but lose the war. In doing so, we also lose any chance we might have had to provide our children with a true education for life, so that they are equipped to function as emotionally healthy, productive adults and make a constructive contribution to their society. Moreover, this method weakens the stance of those who use it, because it utilizes external reward in order to achieve its purpose. The bond between the parents and the child becomes one of "earning stars" or "collecting points" rather than building on the child's desire to become a younger version of his father or mother.

Every educational method must include a degree of training. However, the main goal of parenting is to outgrow this stage and progress to the stage where the external rewards fade into the past, and we are building the child's character, an accomplishment which will last  a lifetime. The child can benefit from both approaches. However, they must be combined in the right order and proportions. One must serve as the stepping stone to the other if our efforts are to have a permanent effect on our children.

External rewarding, if pursued too far and too long, will raise our child to be an excellent bargainer, salesman, and negotiator. The character-training method aims to produce a mature, ethical adult with well-honed judgment to choose between good and evil, right and wrong.