Couples meet and find that they enjoy spending time together. Not always can they explain what it is that causes them to find pleasure in each other's company, but the feeling is clearly there. Each one may venture a guess as to what it is that attracts them to each other. Perhaps it is character traits that they have in common, or the world outlook that they share. Some will express it as “We speak the same language.” Others feel that the potential mate rounds out his character by making up for his or her faults with his own positive attributes. It is important to be aware that, although all these statements may be true, the basic reason for the attraction between man and woman has no logical explanation. It is an inner feeling which we find no need to justify or explain. We call it affection or love. Rather than saying “I enjoy being with you,” we say “I love you.” It is this mutual pleasure which motivates the couple to decide on marriage. Should we ask a young single: “Whom will you marry?” the answer is likely to be “Someone I love.”

Unfortunately, there are two sides to this coin. Life teaches us that, with time, this “love” wanes and disappears into thin air. It is not enough that the couple be mutually compatible; compatibility cannot prevent this gradual alienation which sets in and grows with time. As months and years pass, we all change; a couple may discover that they are no longer as “compatible” as on their wedding day. In some cases, the change occurs shortly after the wedding, while in other times, it can be even a number of years later.

Life presents us with various challenges and setbacks, whether economic, health-wise, or emotional. At such times, mutual interests or a shared outlook on life is not enough to stand up to the stress to which we are exposed. Neither will a carefully worded “contract” which delineates each spouse's area of responsibility be sufficient protection to weather all storms. Our feelings change, our needs change, and we come to understand things from a different angle. Each spouse grows in his own direction, which may be quite different from what his or her spouse anticipated. As a result, the couple have trouble finding a bond between them. They no longer “speak the same language.” A sense of alienation replaces the mutual attraction they sensed when they first came together.

Troublesome thoughts begin to arise. “Maybe it was all a mistake? I should have married someone else, someone more lively/sedate; more serious/lighthearted… What's the point of carrying on with a marriage in which neither of us finds satisfaction? We both thought we would benefit from this marriage, and now, it is threatening the happiness of us both. Why should I maintain my commitment for years and years of misery? Where will I get the strength to carry on together with him/her if our interests and our attitudes are so different, and the attraction we felt at first is no longer there?”

These are valid questions, and there are no simple answers to them. What will justify the investment of time and energy, the self-sacrifice which a successful marriage demands? Where will we find the fuel to keep our ship floating? It was launched years ago, but the situation has changed since then; so have the people who are manning the sails.

Life deals us a blow here and a bruise there. We have no choice but to take a deep breath and try to carry on, hoping that we will still succeed in building our home and nest. When our hopes are dashed against the rocks of reality, when we are weary to the bone of the exhausting struggle to navigate a stormy course; when our dreams of happiness seem further away than ever, we cannot find the energy to carry on. Instead, we decide that the time has come to flee the battlefield in despair. At times, the separation is temporary, while other times it is total and irrevocable.

The obvious conclusion is that the degree of compatibility the couple felt when first married is not a reliable indicator of the long-term success of their marriage. What is more, it is clear that the reasoning of a young adult differs from that of someone who is middle-aged. If a couple in their twenties think that compatibility means that each one finds the other physically attractive, and equates physical attraction with “love”, the marriage is at great risk. Let us explain in terms of real life just what is likely to take place. If the couple circulates at parties and other social events in minimal dress – that is, if their bodies are largely exposed to the public eye in the name of “elegance” or “fashion”, each one is likely to discover another potential mate whose outward appearance pleases him, so that he or she, too, will constitute a potentially “compatible” replacement for the present spouse.

Ironically, the feelings toward a newly discovered, more compatible partner will be just the same as those felt when the person first met his or her present spouse. The husband finds that he enjoys the company of another woman more than that of his wife. What is even worse, because he has known his wife for months or years, their relationship lacks the novelty that his new companion can offer, just because she can offer an element of the new and unexpected. His conclusion is likely to be that he enjoys his relationship with another woman more than that of his own wife. The chances are that he will interpret this new, pleasurable companionship as love – just as he did when he met his present wife. Unless there is a compelling reason to continue the marriage, the next step is not far away. It is, no doubt, facilitated by the fact that the couple made provision for just such a contingency by drawing up a financial agreement in case of divorce, so as to facilitate the proceedings when the time would come. Obviously, initial compatibility is not the only requisite for a lasting, happy marriage.

Our purpose here is not to belittle the significance of initial compatibility. Compatibility and the pleasurable companionship that goes with it are deeply implanted. Without these natural emotions, no one would be motivated to marry in the first place. The Creator fashioned His “products”, Man, and Woman, with an inborn attraction to each other. Nonetheless, it is essential to keep in mind that this force of attraction is only the first step; without additional forces to supplement it, compatibility will not suffice in order to maintain a shatterproof bond between husband and wife which will maintain itself, unsplintered, over decades.