An overwhelmingly powerful force which molds our concept of the ideal relationship between man and woman is the media. Films, television, and the printed media constantly pummel us with the warped message that love and physical attraction are one and the same. Nothing could be further from the truth. Attraction is a feeling which arises spontaneously, almost immediately. It need not be cultivated and nurtured into blossoming and bearing fruit. It comes as no surprise, then, that it can wither and disappear just as quickly, as the saying goes, “Easy come, easy go.”

Hollywood and Broadway are not the places to train in living wisely. The moguls of the entertainment world do not report to the office each morning with the intention of guiding their public as to how to shape their lives judiciously. Common sense and health lifestyles are not the products they are out to market. Neither does the author of the film script intend to serve as a guide to living life wisely. His goal is to enhance his reputation, better his ratings, and to fill his pockets. If you think that “love” and “lust” are one and the same, that attraction (symbolized by fireworks, flowers, and fat red hearts in the background) are what makes man happy in this world, you may very well be another victim of today's media. A happy, satisfying marriage goes far deeper than superficial, passing attraction and infatuation.

While it is true that love is, in part, a function of our feelings, you will no doubt agree that there is an enormous gap between “loving ice cream” and loving one's spouse. I can have a real hankering for a cool, double dip ice cream cone, but loving a close relative is an immeasurably deeper feeling than what “I have a hankering for you” would convey. What is more, when David declares his love for Susan, we rightfully assume that he is prepared, and even anxious, to act for her benefit, even when sacrifice is involved. Should David not be willing to extend himself for Susan, he makes a mockery of his declaration of love for her. It is essential to make the distinction here. Under certain circumstances, David may do something which appears to be for Susan's benefit, but is actually for his own personal benefit. Love is deeper than the pleasant feeling that “I've done my good deed for today, or “Look what a good husband I am.” It is not merely passing romance, but an on-going emotion from deep within.

Judaism teaches us that the initial compatibility between man and woman, and the pleasure they take in each other's company, are there only to prompt the couple to marry and establish a home. They are indicators that this couple can achieve a bond of love between them if and when they are willing to expend the time and effort to build that bond. It is a good starting point and fertile ground on which to sow the seeds of a good marriage. We must keep in mind, however, when making this momentous decision whether or not to marry, any mistake will have far-reaching consequences. “I like” and “I love” are cause and effect; they are not one and the same thing. “Because I like you, I feel I can grow to love you and build a home with you.” If so, we must define our terms: What do we mean by “love”? Why should people marry? What is the purpose of marriage?

Once we have our terms clearly defined, we can start out on the path that leads to a truly successful marriage. If there is nothing to unite a man and a woman, they will continue to be two separate individuals all their married life. No matter how long the couple are married and live under one roof, there will be only a “you” and a “me”, but never an “us.” Even a couple who are not aware of the fact that man's role in this world is to elevate the creation to a higher level of harmonious unity, will experience an urge to share, to build together. Each human being seeks to identify with some collective entity through which it can find the warmth and the pride of belonging to a group. Without this inner drive, why should anyone assume the burdens and restrictions which marriage will inevitably impose upon both husband and wife?

G-d implanted this urge in man so that he would strive to bring the world back to its original, harmonious unison. This drive brings the child to cling to his mother, and to be calmed in her arms, for there he senses that he is wanted and beloved. Nonetheless, Judaism does not view a linkage of individuals as a necessity alone. It is also a mission. The family unit provides us with a fertile ground on which to fulfill this mission.