Couples meet. When they find that they enjoy being together, they are attracted to each other. If they feel they are compatible, they decide to marry. As time passes, the novelty of the attraction between them diminishes, and they feel less compatible. The day comes when they find themselves asking: “What happened to the 'love' we used to feel for each other?” Where, indeed, is that love? The answer is that it never existed. What the couple felt was a degree of compatibility which could have served as fertile soil on which to cultivate a deeper love. The attraction between them was what the Sages term “a love which is dependent on an external factor.” Regarding this type of love, the Sages tell us that when “the external factor disappears, the love disappears with it.” This was not truly selfless love.

To avoid this pitfall, some couples make extensive inquiries about a potential mate before the two even meet. Their goal is to determine whether there is a basis for compatibility. They chose to do their “research” prior to actually meeting in order to avoid a common pitfall. Perhaps the two will feel a strong attraction to each other, based on appearance, status, wealth, or some other external factor, despite the fact that they are not compatible. This can easily happen when people are blinded by the attraction they experience at a first meeting.

In Orthodox Jewish circles, the first meeting takes place only when and if the preliminary inquiries have shown that the two are basically compatible with each other. If they meet and find that they share a mutual attraction to each other, they may decide to marry. After the wedding, the new couple invest time and effort in enhancing their character and strengthening the bond between them by repeatedly giving to each other, on a daily basis. This giving unites them.

Their investment bears rich fruit, and they eventually experience the profound joy of true love. It is their pleasure to have the opportunity to give to one another. This is love which, as the Sages put it, “...is not dependent upon an external factor.” When love is sincere, it grows with each passing day, and will last a lifetime. However, without the safeguard of the Torah's Laws of Family Purity, it, too, may erode. Even this bond is not guaranteed forever, unless protected by the wisdom of the Torah, as we shall explain in the chapter which follows.